Caring Just Enough
It’s important to care about the work we do.
Being invested in the process, people and outcomes ensures we approach our work with enthusiasm and intention.
But what happens when we care too much? When our work becomes our identity? When our sense of self-worth is dependent on achieving certain goals or pleasing certain people? When we become addicted to praise and/or terrified of criticism?
We may find ourselves in a co-dependent relationship with our jobs.
What is co-dependency?
According to the mental health advocacy organization, Mental Health America, co-dependency is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.
Co-dependent behavior is typically learned by watching and imitating others who display this type of behavior. These behaviors include:
An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
An extreme need for approval and recognition
A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
A compelling need to control others
Lack of trust in self and/or others
Fear of being abandoned or alone
Difficulty identifying feelings
Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
Problems with intimacy/boundaries
Chronic anger
Lying/dishonesty
Poor communications
Difficulty making decisions
The dynamic described here is typically seen in families or other close, personal relationships where there is addiction or other mental health issues. How might these behavior show up in relation to work?
Are you in a co-dependent relationship with your work?
Let’s take a look at the ways in which many of the behaviors listed above may show up in our relationship to work, and may be a warning sign of co-dependency.
An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others. Leaders want to be supportive of their teams. Part of the job of a leader is to clear obstacles and serve as a buffer for criticism so team members can focus on doing their jobs. However, when the leader takes all the heat and doesn’t hold team members accountable for mistakes, unhealthy patterns can form.
A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time. Many of the leaders I work with in my coaching practice – particularly women – take on far more responsibility than they are asked or expected to do. For many, this was a behavior learned early in their careers to differentiate themselves from their peers. But when this tendency becomes an expectation, or when one’s core work suffers, it can be a hard trap to emerge from.
A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts. Many professionals have difficulty advocating for themselves. They feel the work should speak for itself and they don’t want to appear self-promoting. But when that work goes unnoticed, those same people can be left feeling bitter and angry, with a decrease in self-esteem.
An extreme need for approval and recognition. Praise can be addictive. It feels good, so we’ll go out of our way to get it, may at times go to extremes and then can feel desperate for more. This is particularly true when employees don’t receive regular feedback. The scarcity makes it all the more powerful and can become central to one’s sense of self.
A sense of guilt when asserting themselves. This is another behavior that is very common for women, or for people who are new in a leadership role. They feel lucky to be invited to the table, and don’t want to do anything that could have that invitation rescinded. They consistently put the needs of others first and do so at the expense of their own well-being.
Fear of being abandoned or alone. Read: Fear of being fired.
Difficulty identifying feelings. Just as someone in a co-dependent personal relationship will ignore their feelings to avoid having to make a hard decision, so people in a co-dependent relationship with work will often convince themselves that this is just the way it is. A coach once helped me realize that for many years I carried an unconscious belief: If it’s work, it’s going to suck; and if it doesn’t suck now, eventually it will. This belief allowed me to deny negative feelings, but also had me dismiss positive feelings, until I ultimately realized that I could choose.
Problems with boundaries. Setting proper boundaries around work is a common challenge among my clients. Beyond the mythical “work/life balance”, the inability to set boundaries leads to a feeling of being constantly tethered to work and unable to do the things you need and want to do for yourself
Are any of these familiar?
I’ve had a number of clients who are able to recognize these behaviors in themselves. Often the first solution they come up with is just to do the opposite: I need to stop caring. But not caring isn’t realistic and will likely lead to negative outcomes. What we focus on is caring just enough. Rather than numbing ourselves to what’s really going on, we can work on creating new, healthier habits and a more balanced, interdependent relationship with work.
Shifting from co-dependency to interdependency
The shift from having a co-dependent to an interdependent relationship with work may seem simple, but it’s not easy. It involves identifying current patterns – thoughts, feelings, actions, responses from others – and working through a process to shift them. This can be done through coaching. (Where the patterns are rooted in trauma, therapy may be warranted.)
In coaching, we take the following approach to shifting away from co-dependency:
Determine what’s really important. Through an exploration of values and life purpose, clients can gain clarity on how and where they want to focus their energy, attention and emotion.
Envision success. If you truly had an interdependent relationship with your work, what it be like? What would you be saying “yes” to and “no” to? What would it feel like? What would be possible?
Retrain your brain. By noticing negative thoughts, refocusing on what’s really important and choosing a more empowering perspective, you can “retrain” your brain to respond to stimuli in a more positive way.
Set healthy boundaries. Once you identify what’s really important and learn to shift your thought patterns, you can look for ways to set boundaries that will help you keep your work in perspective and put accountability where it belongs.
Ask for help. Changing habits is hard work. Look for partner or a small group of trusted colleagues with whom you can share what you’re working on and who can help hold you accountable.
Check your progress. As you work on making these changes, periodically check in (with yourself, your accountability partners or your coach) to remind yourself of the progress you’re making and reinforce the journey you’re on.
This work is simple, but it’s not easy. A trained coach can help guide you along the way, ask the questions you hadn’t thought of, challenge you to think differently and celebrate with you along the way.
So, what’s your relationship with work? What do you want it to be?
