Thriving Under Pressure

Strategies to tackle stress, overwhelm and burnout

Stress is a normal part of life. For leaders in organizations, it can stem from a number of sources – striving to achieve challenging goals, balancing conflicting priorities, supporting team members’ needs – in addition to the universal stressors of family, finances and the non-stop news cycle.

Left unchecked, stress can turn into overwhelm – a feeling that things are just too much and it’s hard to see a way out. Over time, the cumulative impacts of stress and overwhelm can lead to burnout – a condition that’s unsustainable and something needs to give.

Let’s look at each of these conditions, how to recognize them, ways to deal with them and what can happen if we don’t.

Stress

Stress is the body's response to any demand or challenge. It can be triggered by a variety of factors, including work pressure, financial difficulties, personal relationships, or health issues. A mild amount of stress is unavoidable and can in fact be useful for helping us stay motivated and prioritize our time and energy.

The characteristics of stress include:

• Physical: Increased heart rate, headaches, muscle tension.

• Emotional: Anxiety, irritability, mood swings.

• Cognitive: Difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness.

• Behavioral: Changes in sleep patterns, appetite changes, social withdrawal.

Acute stress is common and not generally problematic. It typically results from an emergent challenge and, once the situation is handled, goes away quickly. Sources of acute stress may be things like preparing for a high stakes presentation, working through a reorganization, or even planning for a big vacation.

Chronic stress is stress that persists over an extended period. It can result from an ongoing, unresolved challenge – dealing with a lingering family illness, working in a toxic environment – or can be the cumulative effect of recurring instances of acute stress. Chronic stress can lead to serious health problems if not managed properly.

Overwhelm

Overwhelm is a state where a person feels that the demands placed on them exceed their ability to cope. It is often characterized by an intense feeling of being buried or drowned by responsibilities.

Characteristics of overwhelm include:

• Emotional: Feeling anxious, panicked, or helpless.

• Cognitive: Difficulty thinking clearly, feeling out of control.

• Behavioral: Procrastination, avoiding tasks, feeling paralyzed by the situation.

Overwhelm can be caused by work overload (too many tasks or responsibilities), personal issues (relationship problems, health concerns) or life events (major life changes such as moving, getting married, or having a baby). It can also be brought about by a combination of these, where one feels surrounded by stress on all sides, with nowhere to turn for relief.

Burnout

Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by prolonged and excessive stress and overwhelm, where one feels emotionally drained and incapable of meeting constant demands.

The characteristics of burnout include:

• Emotional: Feelings of cynicism or detachment from the job, reduced sense of accomplishment.

• Physical: Chronic fatigue, insomnia, frequent illnesses.

• Cognitive: Difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness.

• Behavioral: Withdrawal from responsibilities, isolation from others, reduced performance.

Burnout can have severe consequences for the individual and for those who rely on that person.

Strategies for dealing with stress, overwhelm and burnout

In my coaching practice, I’ve worked with leaders who exhibit all three of these conditions. Here are some ways we’ve found to deal with them.

Managing stress. The first step in dealing with stress is to recognize the signs. Take a look at the physical and emotional, cognitive and behavioral characteristics noted above. Pay attention to what your body is telling you. Once you are aware that you may be having a stress reaction, there are several things you can do to relieve the stress before it becomes problematic.

• Breathe. Engaging in deep breathing can calm down your nervous system and help you focus on addressing the task at hand.

• Connect to your values. Think about your core values – the things that are most important to you. This can help you clarify what about the situation is most stressful and may enable you to put things in perspective, reducing your level of stress.

• Take a break. Walk away from the source of the stress. Take a walk, listen to music, play with your kids – anything that brings you comfort and joy. This can help put you in a better frame of mind to deal with whatever is the source of the stress.

• Prioritize and organize. Often stress is exacerbated by our attempts to multi-task or by frequent context shifting. The more you can organize your work and personal tasks and focus on one thing at a time, in priority order, the more in control you will feel and the less prone you will be to stress.

 Managing overwhelm. When stress becomes overwhelm, it can be harder to find a way out. The best move, of course, is to practice stress management to avoid it altogether. But when you find yourself in a state of overwhelm, in addition to the suggestions above for stress, there are additional things you can do.

• Step away. Beyond the short break suggested above, consider a longer break. Take a day off. Commit to setting work aside for a weekend and focusing solely on yourself and your family. If family is the root of the overwhelm, take a break from that, even if only for a day.

• Ask for (and accept) help. Often, we become overwhelmed because we think we have to do everything ourselves. Think about if a close friend or colleague was feeling the way you do. What would you do for them? Ask that of someone else. Take the gift.

• Say no. If the demands on you exceed your ability to handle them, find something to say no to. Allow yourself to be imperfect. Be willing to mildly disappoint someone else.

• Do something kind for yourself. Take a long bath. Enjoy a spa day. Buy yourself something nice. Listen to music. Whatever feels like a gift, give that to yourself. And don’t forget to say thank you!

• Practice gratitude. There is abundant research that supports the concept that gratitude has been found increase positive emotions, reduce the risk of depression, heighten relationship satisfaction, and increase resilience in the face of stressful life events, among other benefits.

 Managing burnout. Burnout is the most severe state and can be the hardest to overcome. All of the strategies above can be useful, as well as a few additional ones.

• Introspection. Take a hard look at your life. Are you spending time and energy on activities that aren’t aligned with your values? Where do you feel most fulfilled? What do you find most draining or dissatisfying? This assessment may lead you to a place where you have to make hard choices, but you’re the only one who can do it.

• Consider hard choices. Beyond prioritization and saying no transactionally, consider whether there are things you need to simply cut out of your life. Is there a relationship you need to end? Do you need to quit your job or renegotiate your role? What would be the big change that could ultimately bring you peace and harmony?

• Seek professional help. If burnout is sustained or a recurring pattern, consider seeking the support of a mental health professional.

Many of these strategies sound simple, but they are not easy. All of these are things I’ve worked on with various coaching clients. A professional coach can help you explore where you are, where you want to be, and discover the path to get there.

As leaders, we often believe that we need to shoulder all of the responsibility, or that simply powering through is a sign of strength. Sometimes the most courageous thing you can do is ask for help.

Photo by nikko macaspac

Caring Just Enough

It’s important to care about the work we do.

Being invested in the process, people and outcomes ensures we approach our work with enthusiasm and intention.

But what happens when we care too much? When our work becomes our identity? When our sense of self-worth is dependent on achieving certain goals or pleasing certain people? When we become addicted to praise and/or terrified of criticism?

We may find ourselves in a co-dependent relationship with our jobs.

What is co-dependency?

According to the mental health advocacy organization, Mental Health America, co-dependency is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

Co-dependent behavior is typically learned by watching and imitating others who display this type of behavior. These behaviors include:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue

• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time

• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts

• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment

• An extreme need for approval and recognition

• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves

• A compelling need to control others

• Lack of trust in self and/or others

• Fear of being abandoned or alone

• Difficulty identifying feelings

• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change

• Problems with intimacy/boundaries

• Chronic anger

• Lying/dishonesty

• Poor communications

• Difficulty making decisions

The dynamic described here is typically seen in families or other close, personal relationships where there is addiction or other mental health issues. How might these behavior show up in relation to work?

Are you in a co-dependent relationship with your work?

Let’s take a look at the ways in which many of the behaviors listed above may show up in our relationship to work, and may be a warning sign of co-dependency. 

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others. Leaders want to be supportive of their teams. Part of the job of a leader is to clear obstacles and serve as a buffer for criticism so team members can focus on doing their jobs. However, when the leader takes all the heat and doesn’t hold team members accountable for mistakes, unhealthy patterns can form.

• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time. Many of the leaders I work with in my coaching practice – particularly women – take on far more responsibility than they are asked or expected to do. For many, this was a behavior learned early in their careers to differentiate themselves from their peers. But when this tendency becomes an expectation, or when one’s core work suffers, it can be a hard trap to emerge from.

• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts. Many professionals have difficulty advocating for themselves. They feel the work should speak for itself and they don’t want to appear self-promoting. But when that work goes unnoticed, those same people can be left feeling bitter and angry, with a decrease in self-esteem.

• An extreme need for approval and recognition. Praise can be addictive. It feels good, so we’ll go out of our way to get it, may at times go to extremes and then can feel desperate for more. This is particularly true when employees don’t receive regular feedback. The scarcity makes it all the more powerful and can become central to one’s sense of self.

• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves. This is another behavior that is very common for women, or for people who are new in a leadership role. They feel lucky to be invited to the table, and don’t want to do anything that could have that invitation rescinded. They consistently put the needs of others first and do so at the expense of their own well-being.

• Fear of being abandoned or alone. Read: Fear of being fired.

• Difficulty identifying feelings. Just as someone in a co-dependent personal relationship will ignore their feelings to avoid having to make a hard decision, so people in a co-dependent relationship with work will often convince themselves that this is just the way it is. A coach once helped me realize that for many years I carried an unconscious belief: If it’s work, it’s going to suck; and if it doesn’t suck now, eventually it will. This belief allowed me to deny negative feelings, but also had me dismiss positive feelings, until I ultimately realized that I could choose.

• Problems with boundaries. Setting proper boundaries around work is a common challenge among my clients. Beyond the mythical “work/life balance”, the inability to set boundaries leads to a feeling of being constantly tethered to work and unable to do the things you need and want to do for yourself

Are any of these familiar?

I’ve had a number of clients who are able to recognize these behaviors in themselves. Often the first solution they come up with is just to do the opposite: I need to stop caring. But not caring isn’t realistic and will likely lead to negative outcomes. What we focus on is caring just enough. Rather than numbing ourselves to what’s really going on, we can work on creating new, healthier habits and a more balanced, interdependent relationship with work.

Shifting from co-dependency to interdependency

The shift from having a co-dependent to an interdependent relationship with work may seem simple, but it’s not easy. It involves identifying current patterns – thoughts, feelings, actions, responses from others – and working through a process to shift them. This can be done through coaching. (Where the patterns are rooted in trauma, therapy may be warranted.)

In coaching, we take the following approach to shifting away from co-dependency:

1. Determine what’s really important. Through an exploration of values and life purpose, clients can gain clarity on how and where they want to focus their energy, attention and emotion.

2. Envision success. If you truly had an interdependent relationship with your work, what it be like? What would you be saying “yes” to and “no” to? What would it feel like? What would be possible?

3. Retrain your brain. By noticing negative thoughts, refocusing on what’s really important and choosing a more empowering perspective, you can “retrain” your brain to respond to stimuli in a more positive way.

4. Set healthy boundaries. Once you identify what’s really important and learn to shift your thought patterns, you can look for ways to set boundaries that will help you keep your work in perspective and put accountability where it belongs.

5. Ask for help. Changing habits is hard work. Look for partner or a small group of trusted colleagues with whom you can share what you’re working on and who can help hold you accountable.

6. Check your progress. As you work on making these changes, periodically check in (with yourself, your accountability partners or your coach) to remind yourself of the progress you’re making and reinforce the journey you’re on.

This work is simple, but it’s not easy. A trained coach can help guide you along the way, ask the questions you hadn’t thought of, challenge you to think differently and celebrate with you along the way.

So, what’s your relationship with work? What do you want it to be?

“I’m not an artist” and other lies

We often use self-limiting language without realizing we’re doing it. These phrases, over time, can shape the way we see ourselves and the way others see us.

What are some of the lies we tell ourselves?

Painting and photo by me

“I’m bad at…”

I recently spoke with a woman who is a PhD, a research psychologist and a professor of Psychology. She offhandedly told me she is “bad at math”. I was surprised that someone could earn a PhD while being “bad at math”. I asked why she would attach that label to herself. She shared some background on the struggles she had throughout her 24 years of schooling, being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and finding help and support along the way to enable her to complete the math courses needed to earn her degrees.

Labeling ourselves as “bad” in any context is…well, bad. The word itself has only negative connotation (with some notable exceptions found here). Anything that starts with “I am” describes a state of being. Even when we use the words flippantly, those messages stick in our brain and can subtly diminish our sense of worth.

The label also serves as a brand that others see and generally don’t question. If I tell you I’m a bad cook (I’m not), you don’t need to see evidence of my lack of culinary skill – you take it at face value. That then becomes your experience of me and the label sticks.

Claiming to be bad at something can also be a way of letting ourselves off the hook without giving it an effort. When my daughter was in seventh grade, she declared herself “bad at math” and accepted her poor grades as inevitable. I asked if she had done her best. She started to say yes, and realized it wasn’t true. She found math challenging and didn’t like it much, so she hadn’t put in the effort. Once she tried, her grade improved. She still didn’t like math, but she found satisfaction in being able to exceed her own expectation.

As I talked to my PhD friend, I invited her to reframe her statement from “I’m bad at math” to “math is challenging for me.” Changing the language changes the perspective. Rather than framing the apparent deficit it as a state of being within ourselves, we can frame it as a characteristic of the external challenge, which we can then choose to address…or not.

“I’m not…”

As a child, I loved paint-by-numbers. Couldn’t get enough. We had 8x10” paintings of horses, clowns, little girls with big eyes propped up all around my room and in various corners of the house. Occasionally I would try to create an original painting, but could never manage to get the image in my head to appear on the canvas. As I grew into adulthood, I found myself envious of people who could draw or paint or sculpt without a pattern to follow. “I’m not creative”, I declared. “I’m not an artist.”

Through my coach training I met an amazing artist, Marianne Gargour, who incorporates art into her coaching (and coaching into her art). She recently hosted a 3-day creativity workshop which I attended mostly to support her, again telling myself “I’m not an artist.” Her simple exercises unlocked something in me. I signed up for a 4-week painting class and now have about a dozen of my own painting strewn around my office. One of my favorites is above. The big shift was choosing to not focus on the outcome but to enjoy the process (more on that here). For all of the years that I avoided any kind of creative endeavor, instead of “I’m not an artist” I could have said “I haven’t yet uncovered the path to my creativity.”

“I can’t…”

Similar to “I’m bad at”, we love to talk about the things we can’t do. While the “bad” label typically refers to a skill or competency, “I can’t” often relates to achieving a desired outcome. I can’t get organized. I can’t lose the weight. I can’t finish a book. When we’re saying “I can’t” we usually mean “I haven’t made it a priority” or “I haven’t yet figure out how”.

My grandmother had a lot of sayings. One of her favorites was “can’t means won’t”. I didn’t understand that as a child. I thought it implied willfulness or laziness (which, frankly, it often did). My mother’s version of that saying was a little more encouraging: “what have you tried?” That question introduced a sense of accountability and was an invitation to problem solving. Another great question when faced with a declaration of “I can’t”: what can you do? That makes room for possibility, rather than closing the door on success.

An invitation to reframe

Instead of “I’m bad at…”, how about

“I find it challenging to…”

“I haven’t yet mastered…”

“I’m still working on…”

Rather than “I’m not…”, maybe try

“I haven’t yet uncovered…”

“I’ve never seen myself as…”

“I haven’t figure out how to be…”

When you start to say “I can’t…”, think about changing it to

“I don’t yet have a plan to…”

“I haven’t yet prioritized…”

“I can…”

I invite you to start making different choices in the language you use and challenging others to do the same. Then pay attention to the possibilities that emerge.