Reflecting on Leadership: The Three H’s

A lot of people have asked me what makes a great leader. I have worked for and with literally hundreds of leaders over my 30+ year career. Some were great, most were good, a few were…let’s just say it was a long time ago.

This is the first in a series on what it takes - and what it means - to be a great leader.

There are a number of characteristics of great leaders that fall into the broad categories of competence, confidence and emotional intelligence. Sometimes the most important leadership competencies are dependent on the organization. In a non-profit, leaders need compassion and commitment to the mission; in a tech startup innovation and risk-tolerance are critical; in a large, multi-layer corporation it may be vision and financial acumen.

I’d like to focus on three characteristics that I believe show up in really great leaders, regardless of the context…

Humor, Humility and Humanity.

Humor.

Humor can serve a number of purposes in the workplace. It can defuse tense situations, spark creativity and create rapport. A memorable inside joke or one-liner has real staying power. Last week I texted a former colleague with the message, “Lucy and Ethel do a plant walkdown” which was a reference to a hilariously embarrassing incident she and I were involved in over 25 years ago.

Alison Beard, senior editor at Harvard Business Review noted in a 2014 HBR article, “Laughter relieves stress and boredom, boosts engagement and well-being, and spurs not only creativity and collaboration but also analytic precision and productivity”

Humor can also be perceived as a sign of intelligence as described in a 2017 post on The Conversation. Albert Einstein attributed his brilliant mind to having a childlike sense of humor.

Humor must of course be used mindfully. Jokes at others’ expense or that could reasonably offend – sex, religion, too-specific politics – are not appropriate for the workplace (I would argue, for any place). Mild jabs are fine if the relationship is sufficient and the barb isn’t hurtful. Of a gentleman who proudly displays every name tag from every conference he’s attended, a witty coworker asked “I’m sorry, what’s your name?” But be careful not to call someone out on a quirk that they themselves don’t find funny. Most blondes are not amused by “dumb blonde” jokes.

The “harmless jab as evidence of our collegiality” can backfire if it’s not genuine. I recall a painful lineup of execs in a panel discussion who all felt somehow compelled to lob barbs that became increasingly personal and uncomfortable. One person on the panel was clearly the outsider as she was the only one not a target of a passive-aggressive insult-as-joke. What was intended to show rapport instead showed a cringeworthy lack thereof.

Self-deprecating humor can be endearing but should be used sparingly and with awareness of the potential interpretation. A senior executive joking about how unimportant he is will ring hollow to the seven layers of people in the audience who all report to him. It’s also important to manage the one-liners and punch lines – “class clown” isn’t usually the power position in any organization. If you present as someone who can’t take things seriously, it will likely turn out that you won’t be taken seriously.

Several years ago an employee poked her head in my office door and said “Oh, I didn’t know you were here – I hadn’t heard you laugh today.” The idea of laughter being my calling card has stuck with me. If I’ve gone an entire day without laughing, that’s a very sad day. For more on the link between laughter and leadership, check out this Inc. article on why funny leaders are better leaders.

We’ve all heard the term “laughter is the best medicine. The health benefits of laughter are substantiated in this article from the Mayo Clinic. How do you use humor as a leader? If there’s not enough laughter in your day, take a tip from the article: Turn the corners of your mouth up into a smile and then give a laugh.  

Humility.

Humility is the silent partner of confidence. Harry Jansen Kraemer Jr., Clinical Professor of Leadership at Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University and former CEO of Baxter International, explained that “leadership is a delicate balance of true self confidence and genuine humility”. Leaders must understand that they are no more important, and no better, than the people they lead.

People who are authentically humble don’t need their egos stroked. They know they are good and don’t need to broadcast it. They also know that they don’t know it all, and are aware that they don’t know what they don’t know.

Humility allows people to ask for help. It allows them to say “I’m sorry”. It allows them to share credit and allow other people to shine.

Genuine humility is engaging and endearing. Artificial humility is off-putting. For example, the leader of an entire division exclaiming “I’m just a dumb country guy” is meant to be charming, but just sounds silly. Beyond being disingenuous, such false humility can come off as condescending.

Some people, from a place of genuine humility, have difficulty taking a compliment. A compliment is a gift – to reject it can be hurtful. It can be tempting to downplay a compliment. Responses like “Thank you but I could have done a lot better” or “Thanks but I just threw it together” not only undermine our own effectiveness, they undermine the gift. A great read that includes the importance of receiving is The Go Giver by Bob Burg.

What comes up for you when you think about humility? How do you practice it? Do you find you need to be boastful to get recognition? Try backing down a bit and letting your inner leader shine quietly. Do you constantly undermine your own brilliance by apologizing for success? Practice saying a simple “thank you” – no “buts”.

Humanity.

Humanity in this context means recognizing that people are human above all else. It means having compassion and empathy, and understanding that everyone has challenges and gifts that may not appear on the surface.

The concept of humanity in leadership been particularly evident in the pandemic. Many leaders have instituted daily team check-ins. Those who lead with humanity are using it as time to build connection, ensure employees have what they need and are there to support each other. Others use it simply to put eyes on their employees – to make sure they show up for work. These are the people who never would have allowed remote working before the pandemic and can’t wait for restrictions to lift so people can “get back to work”. They view their employees as tools of the business, not as people struggling through a traumatic time.

Some leaders have a difficult time dealing with the personal challenges and tragedies that their team members experience. They build a wall, framing it as “allowing privacy”. In fact what they are likely protecting is their own sense of fear, loss, shame, or whatever shows up when they make themselves vulnerable. Several years ago, I lost my oldest brother to suicide. Two years later, I lost my only remaining brother, also to suicide. These events are unspeakably sad. There were people who avoided my gaze or ignored me altogether. Most people said some brief and awkward version of “I’m so sorry for your loss” and a few made a connection by sharing their own stories of loss. Those are kind, genuine responses which I appreciated. The most profound impact was from the few leaders who sat down with me, looked me in the eye, expressed their sympathy and asked me what I needed. They didn’t shy away from my grief. They didn’t offer me solutions, they simply held the space and let me express what I needed to.

Decades ago, when I started in the workplace, tears were considered a sign of weakness. Tears of anger, frustration, sympathy or sorrow – it didn’t matter, it simply wasn’t professional, and could be particularly deadly for a woman’s career.

We have now matured as a culture to the point where human emotions are welcome. I think the Challenger disaster was one turning point; 9/11 was another. We were all faced with horrifying images and terrifying unknowns – we had no choice but to turn to each other in our humanity and support each other as best we could. There were no answers that came with title or experience or department – we were all in it together.

I believe the pandemic is taking us to a new level of humanity as leaders. Everyone is struggling in different ways. We are sharing a level of intimacy by being (virtually) in each other’s homes. We are facing tremendous unknowns and working through it together.

One of the cornerstones of Co-Active Coaching is that people are naturally creative, resourceful and whole. This means that we don’t need to take on the burdens of others or fix things for them – each of has everything we need. The best leaders recognize others’ humanity, acknowledge that we all have our own struggles and don’t try to impose their solutions, but make themselves available and flexible as employees try to figure it out.

How do you show up for your employees and colleagues? Do you recognize and value their humanity? How do they know? Think about carving out some time in your day to connect and just be present with the people you work with. Creating space for their humanity may be a gift you both enjoy.

How do you show up?

Take some time to assess how you bring humor, humility and humanity into your leadership. Where do you see them in others? Think about letting your guard down, taking some chances and making yourself vulnerable. Being mindful of the Three H’s and allowing them to show up authentically can help you be a great leader.

A conversation on resilience, confidence and finding your path

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to join Shannon Cassidy, founder and CEO of bridge between, inc. for her weekly web series, Wednesday Live! We talked about what brought me to where I am and the many lessons I learned along the way.

Watch the video on YouTube: Wednesday Live! with Special Guest Alicia Daugherty

The rules of swing

My friend and fellow coach, Annya Broderick, recently published her first book, from elle a. (available on Amazon).

It’s a lovely a collection of vignettes, short stories and poetry written during a time of transition. One of the stories is about Annya’s first (and, as far as I know, only) experience with swing dancing. Based on this limited exposure, she outlined a set of rules.

As I read this, it occurred to me that these unofficial rules of swing are, in fact, very good rules for life.

Rule #1: Don’t watch your feet. Keep your head up and your back straight. Engage with the world around you. Enjoy the view.

Far too often we focus on “getting it right”. We become self-conscious about what we’re doing and lose sight of the big picture. A good power pose makes you feel more confident and shows that confidence to the world.

Rule #2: Pay attention. Listen to your body. Trust your intuition. Be attuned to your surroundings. Sense what’s coming and be ready to adapt.

The world is changing around us all the time. If we wait for clear instructions, we can miss opportunities and be left behind. A friend once described intuition as “knowing without knowing”. Learn to trust your gut.

Rule #3: Be strong in your frame, but don’t lock it. Stand in your power, but remain flexible. Be true to yourself and never stop learning.

Self-awareness is a practice. Understanding who we are, what we want and making resonant choices helps us establish create a center from which we live, learn and grow. But the strongest tree bends with the wind. Be willing to bend and adapt.

Rule #4: Feel the music. Get out of your head and dance in the moment.

Don’t overthink it. Whether it’s a dance, a presentation, a job interview or a family vacation. Having a perfect plan and executing it flawlessly can be satisfying, but the true beauty and joy is in the unexpected. Let go a little and see what happens.

Rule #5: Laugh a lot and smile a lot, and make a lot of mistakes.

This one is self-explanatory!

I invite you to slow down, read a good book, try something new and enjoy the dance!