Let’s kick “but”.
"Nothing someone says before the word 'but' really counts"
~ Eddard Stark, Lord of Winterfell, Warden of the North, Hand of the King, Lord Regent of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm
According to Merriam-Webster, “but” (as a conjunction) is “used to introduce a phrase or clause contrasting with what has already been mentioned”. It often has the effect of diminishing or negating what came before it. We all use the word a lot, and often aren’t aware of the impact.
Do you “but” others?
Sometimes the words before the “but” are used to soften the blow of what comes after: “I like John, but he’s kind of a jerk.” The key takeaway from that sentence is that John is a jerk; the fact that I like him isn’t so important. What if the parts were flipped? “John is a jerk, but I like him.” The main point here is that I like John. Sure, he has is faults, but who doesn’t?
In some cases, the word “but” creates a false sense of opposition, as though two things can’t coexist. Think about this sentence: “Joan is a solid leader but she can come on a little strong with her people.” Joan’s standing as a solid leader seems to be in jeopardy. What if we said, “Joan is a solid leader and she can come on a little strong with her people.” She may need to work on her interpersonal skills, yet her reputation as a solid leader stands. “But” limits; “and” expands.
“But” can also be used to shift blame. The thing we did wrong comes before the “but”. The cause, which is framed as something out of our control, comes after. “I meant to join you for lunch, but time got away from me.” The culprit here is time? In fact, the culprit was your inability to manage it. What if you said, “I didn’t manage my schedule well this morning. Sorry I missed our lunch.” This version reflects accountability and respect for the other person’s time. Of course there are sometimes valid reasons that we fall short. Give them their proper place - before the “but”. Consider, “Sorry I didn’t pick you up, but my car wouldn’t start.” Key message: not my fault. What if we flipped it to “My car wouldn’t start, but I’m sorry I didn’t pick you up.” The emphasis is on the apology, not the excuse.
Do you “but” ideas?
If someone offers a creative solution to a problem that isn’t supported but the budget, a reasonable response is “That’s a great idea, but we don’t have the budget.” What does the person who had the idea hear? “No.” How likely is that person to keep sharing her great ideas? Not very. What if the response was “That’s a great idea. Let’s think of a way we can make it self-funding.” Another response could be “That’s a great idea. What made you think of it? Maybe we can move in that direction and start to gain some traction.” These responses honor the suggestion rather than dismissing it with a “but”, and seek to expand on it rather than shutting it down.
This type of response - replacing “no, but” with “yes, and” - is a process used in improv. It involves taking one person’s idea, even if it’s not fully baked, and adding to it until there is something there. This article from Fast Company explores other ways that improv techniques can be used to enhance leadership and foster creativity.
Do you “but” yourself?
Where I find myself focused right now is how people use the word “but” in a way that is self-diminishing. I had a client recently tell me “People say I’m a good speaker, but I spend a lot of time preparing, outlining what I want to say, practicing to make it sound natural and I keep notes in front of me while I’m speaking.” The lengthy explanation of process that came after the “but” were presented as though they somehow negated the fact that this person is a good speaker. Guess what? Those are things that a good speaker does! Prepare, practice, use the tools available to ensure that the message is delivered in a way that is understandable and natural. I asked her to try simply saying “I’m a good speaker,” and just sit with that for a minute. The “but” wants to come out, but why? Working hard at something doesn’t mean you’re not good at it, it means that you work hard to be better. Celebrating our successes, especially those that reflect hard work and commitment, can change our perspective and build self-confidence.
There are a lot of ways we “but” ourselves without using the word. Consider the act of receiving a compliment. I had a client who received praise from a number of people for running a great meeting and responded with a variety of self-diminishing statements. “I was so nervous.” “The video was glitchy at the top I’m glad we made it through.” “I hate seeing myself on screen.” You know what would be a great response to those compliments? “Thank you.” Or “Thank you, it was a lot of fun.” Even “Thank you, I hope I see you at the next meeting!” Those are subtle ways of turning the silent “but” into a silent “and”. A compliment is a gift. To quote one of my favorite books, The Go Giver, “When someone gives you a gift, what gives you the right to refuse it – to deny their right to give?” When you accept a compliment gracefully, you honor the giver.
Even if we’re not speaking out loud, the “buts” are taking up space in our brains. “I’d love to apply for that job but I don’t meet all the requirements.” If we let them go unchecked, we can fall into a pattern of negative thinking that will become self-limiting. The thought of not meeting all the requirements drives us to focus on what we don’t have, how we don’t measure up. It reinforces that we aren’t enough. It makes us feel like a fraud and that we’re foolish for even thinking about going for that job. What if we removed the “but” and reframed our thinking into an explanation of what’s possible? “I’d love to apply for that job. There are some requirements that I don’t meet. How can I leverage my strengths to make those gaps less of a hurdle?”
Let’s kick “but”.
I invite you to pay attention to the “buts” that enter your brain or come out of your mouth. Notice when they show up, think about their impact, get curious about why they’re there, and whether they serve to diminish others or diminish you. Think about how you can rephrase your message or reframe your thoughts, then give those “buts” a swift kick.
