Let’s kick “but”.

"Nothing someone says before the word 'but' really counts"

~ Eddard Stark, Lord of Winterfell, Warden of the North, Hand of the King, Lord Regent of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm

According to Merriam-Webster, “but” (as a conjunction) is “used to introduce a phrase or clause contrasting with what has already been mentioned”. It often has the effect of diminishing or negating what came before it. We all use the word a lot, and often aren’t aware of the impact.

Do you “but” others?

Sometimes the words before the “but” are used to soften the blow of what comes after: “I like John, but he’s kind of a jerk.” The key takeaway from that sentence is that John is a jerk; the fact that I like him isn’t so important. What if the parts were flipped? “John is a jerk, but I like him.” The main point here is that I like John. Sure, he has is faults, but who doesn’t?

In some cases, the word “but” creates a false sense of opposition, as though two things can’t coexist. Think about this sentence: “Joan is a solid leader but she can come on a little strong with her people.” Joan’s standing as a solid leader seems to be in jeopardy. What if we said, “Joan is a solid leader and she can come on a little strong with her people.” She may need to work on her interpersonal skills, yet her reputation as a solid leader stands. “But” limits; “and” expands.

“But” can also be used to shift blame. The thing we did wrong comes before the “but”. The cause, which is framed as something out of our control, comes after. “I meant to join you for lunch, but time got away from me.” The culprit here is time? In fact, the culprit was your inability to manage it. What if you said, “I didn’t manage my schedule well this morning. Sorry I missed our lunch.” This version reflects accountability and respect for the other person’s time. Of course there are sometimes valid reasons that we fall short. Give them their proper place - before the “but”. Consider, “Sorry I didn’t pick you up, but my car wouldn’t start.” Key message: not my fault. What if we flipped it to “My car wouldn’t start, but I’m sorry I didn’t pick you up.” The emphasis is on the apology, not the excuse.

Do you “but” ideas?

If someone offers a creative solution to a problem that isn’t supported but the budget, a reasonable response is “That’s a great idea, but we don’t have the budget.” What does the person who had the idea hear? “No.” How likely is that person to keep sharing her great ideas? Not very. What if the response was “That’s a great idea. Let’s think of a way we can make it self-funding.” Another response could be “That’s a great idea. What made you think of it? Maybe we can move in that direction and start to gain some traction.” These responses honor the suggestion rather than dismissing it with a “but”, and seek to expand on it rather than shutting it down.

This type of response - replacing “no, but” with “yes, and” - is a process used in improv. It involves taking one person’s idea, even if it’s not fully baked, and adding to it until there is something there. This article from Fast Company explores other ways that improv techniques can be used to enhance leadership and foster creativity.

Do you “but” yourself?

Where I find myself focused right now is how people use the word “but” in a way that is self-diminishing. I had a client recently tell me “People say I’m a good speaker, but I spend a lot of time preparing, outlining what I want to say, practicing to make it sound natural and I keep notes in front of me while I’m speaking.” The lengthy explanation of process that came after the “but” were presented as though they somehow negated the fact that this person is a good speaker. Guess what? Those are things that a good speaker does! Prepare, practice, use the tools available to ensure that the message is delivered in a way that is understandable and natural. I asked her to try simply saying “I’m a good speaker,” and just sit with that for a minute. The “but” wants to come out, but why? Working hard at something doesn’t mean you’re not good at it, it means that you work hard to be better. Celebrating our successes, especially those that reflect hard work and commitment, can change our perspective and build self-confidence.

There are a lot of ways we “but” ourselves without using the word. Consider the act of receiving a compliment. I had a client who received praise from a number of people for running a great meeting and responded with a variety of self-diminishing statements. “I was so nervous.” “The video was glitchy at the top I’m glad we made it through.” “I hate seeing myself on screen.” You know what would be a great response to those compliments? “Thank you.” Or “Thank you, it was a lot of fun.” Even “Thank you, I hope I see you at the next meeting!” Those are subtle ways of turning the silent “but” into a silent “and”. A compliment is a gift. To quote one of my favorite books, The Go Giver, “When someone gives you a gift, what gives you the right to refuse it – to deny their right to give?” When you accept a compliment gracefully, you honor the giver.

Even if we’re not speaking out loud, the “buts” are taking up space in our brains. “I’d love to apply for that job but I don’t meet all the requirements.” If we let them go unchecked, we can fall into a pattern of negative thinking that will become self-limiting. The thought of not meeting all the requirements drives us to focus on what we don’t have, how we don’t measure up. It reinforces that we aren’t enough. It makes us feel like a fraud and that we’re foolish for even thinking about going for that job. What if we removed the “but” and reframed our thinking into an explanation of what’s possible? “I’d love to apply for that job. There are some requirements that I don’t meet. How can I leverage my strengths to make those gaps less of a hurdle?”

Let’s kick “but”.

I invite you to pay attention to the “buts” that enter your brain or come out of your mouth. Notice when they show up, think about their impact, get curious about why they’re there, and whether they serve to diminish others or diminish you. Think about how you can rephrase your message or reframe your thoughts, then give those “buts” a swift kick.

Reflecting on Leadership: Leading like a Mother

When we think about leadership in organizations, “maternal” isn’t generally the word that comes to mind. Our employees are not our children and we are not their parents. Relationships in the workplace should be adult-to-adult. But looking at the behaviors of a great mother can help us think differently about leadership.

Alicia & Raymond with their mother, Barbara, c.1964

What qualities does the word “maternal” evoke for you?

Caretaking? Babying? Soft? Emotional? It probably depends on your relationship with your own mother, your experience as a mother or with the mothers in your life. When I think about my own mother, Barbara, these are the things that come to mind…

High Expectations

My mother expected a lot of me. If I brought home and A, she would ask if an A+ was possible. She didn’t abide short cuts - she made sure I put in the work. If she found me using Cliffs Notes for a book report (Gen Y and younger, look it up) she would quiz me on what I learned and make me research it if I didn’t know. One time when it was clear I had half-assed it, she assigned me a different book and made me write a full report. This was of course torture to a teenage Alicia, but it was her way of instilling in me the importance of putting in effort. She challenged me in a way that built my confidence and helped me set high expectations for myself.

Frequent Feedback

My mom gave me a lot of feedback. She would praise me in public and correct me in private. When I screwed up, she would ask me what I thought of my own actions and what I would do differently if I had the chance. When I was wrong, she ensured I took accountability. We didn’t sit down once a quarter to talk about how I was doing – we talked about it all the time. This was always done in an effort to improve. If I got angry at a piece of “constructive” feedback, she would remind me “only your mother will tell you.”

Unconditional Love

My mother loved me. There was never any doubt about that. She was my staunchest advocate and my fiercest defender. She stood up for me and always had my back. Even as she challenged me and corrected me, I knew that I didn’t have to earn her love. I didn’t have to beg for it. I didn’t have to prove myself in order to have it. Nothing I could do would have gotten me more or less of it. It was simply there. My mere existence made me worthy of it.

Always Teaching

My mother was a teacher, by profession and by nature. She would make up games when we were little to teach us to look around and to be curious. (How Many People Are on The Beach? Where Is She Going Later?) If I asked her how to do something (tie my shoe, make a cake, get into college) she would ask me “how do you think you do it?” I’d typically get pieces of it right and she would help me put them together. Sometimes her lessons were straightforward, sometimes the real value took years to reveal itself.

Mutual Trust and Respect

My mother trusted me. She allowed me space and privacy but was always available if I needed her. I repaid her trust with respect and generally good behavior. A key element in our mutual trust and respect was listening. If I had a problem, my mother would listen, without judgment and help me find a solution. She wouldn’t involve herself in petty teenage drama but would talk it through with me to help me figure out the right response. By really listening to me, she showed me respect and gained my trust.

Boundaries and Consequences

Both of my parents were generally pretty easy going. I had friends whose parents were very strict. I also had friends whose parents seemed not to notice or care what they were doing. I think mine had a good balance of showing us how to behave and letting us learn from our mistakes. I don’t remember ever being told not to mouth off to a teacher, but it never would have occurred to me to do so. I had a curfew – there was a grace period but repeated violations would result in the car being taken away for a time. I was never punished for making an honest mistake, mom always made sure I learned from it.

Letting Go

One of the hardest acts of being a parent is to let your children go. When I graduated from college I took a job in California. My mother was excited, supportive and proud. When I told her I was scared she said I’d be fine and focus me back on my packing list. When my plane took off, she watched from the window of the gate and sobbed (this was decades before 9/11, watching from the gate was a thing). She imagined that not only her daughter but her future grandchildren were flying away, never to return to the East Coast. Selfishly, she wanted me home with her forever. But she knew that it was time for me to take off and start my own life, separate and apart, and that ultimately we’d both be fine.

Ok, so I had a pretty great mom. What does that have to do with leadership?

I believe the qualities that made Barbara a great mother can also be seen in great leaders.

• High Expectations. Employees come to us with a unique set of skills and competencies. The job of a leader is to test and expand those skills and competencies. It doesn’t mean never being satisfied, but it means expecting great things from your employees and challenging them to do more than they think they’re capable of.

In what ways do you challenge your employees? How do you build their confidence and keep them striving for more?

• Frequent Feedback. Most organizations have defined performance review cycles. Many require quarterly performance checkpoints. A lot can happen in three months. Great leaders are in constant communication with their employees, reinforcing the behaviors they want to see, providing candid feedback on things that could been done better. If feedback is being done right, the mandated checkpoints are a formality.

How often are you checking in with your employees? Do they know where they stand? Do they have clear, well-defined areas for development?

• Unconditional Love. This one may make you uncomfortable. Is it necessary (or even appropriate) to love your employees? Not like you love your children, your parents or your romantic partner. But love as a fellow human. Seeing and appreciating all the good things that person brings and honoring that in all circumstances. To feel genuine affection for them and desire all the good things.

What would it be like to truly love your employees? What would you do more of or less of?

• Always Teaching. Great leaders make a practice of assigning employees a deliverable but letting the employee determine how to get it done. It can be tempting to prescribe the methodology or give detailed instructions, and in some cases it may be necessary for safety or compliance purposes. But wherever possible, giving employees the freedom to develop their own methods and solutions not only builds competency, it creates space for creativity that can benefit the entire organization.

What are you teaching your employees? Are you setting a good example? How do you help them develop critical thinking skills?

• Trust and Respect. Trust and respect are a two-way street. It’s not reasonable to demand respect from someone you don’t respect, or to require trust from someone you don’t trust. Giving employees the courtesy of listening to their thoughts and needs and responding to them improves the relationship and creates space for learning. Forbes has a great article on building trust with employees.

Do you trust your employees? Do you respect them? How would they know?

• Boundaries and Consequences. We talked about unconditional love, giving space for learning and treating trust and respect as a given. That does not mean that employees can do whatever they want. Boundaries are important in terms of setting clear expectations for both performance and behavior. When boundaries are violated, consequences help ensure the individual learns to take them seriously. Even more important, the broader team sees consistency between the leader’s words and actions.

How do you set boundaries for your employees? Do they know the consequences of violating those boundaries? Are you consistent?

• Letting Go. We’ve selected them, trained them, loved them and helped them build their capability beyond what they thought possible. At some point, we need to let them go. So often, employees are afraid to share their aspirations with their leaders for fear of being perceived as disloyal. As a leader, it’s critical that your employees know that you not only support their advancement, but that you actively encourage it.

Where have you been holding your employees back? What are you doing to help them advance? Do they know they have your support in growing their careers?

All structures - family, organization, government - are made up of people and all need strong leadership. Maternal in this context does not mean strictly female. This article from Psychology Today describes the maternal leadership style of former Brazilian President Lula da Silva, a wildly popular leader who healed deep ideological divides and improved his country’s self-esteem while overseeing an economic turnaround.

What lessons did you learn from your mother…or from your father, or any of the adults who helped make you who you are? I invite you to reflect on those relationships and how those concepts and habits might enhance your leadership.  

Into the Word Vortex: “Essential”

Does this ever happen to you? A word comes up and it just keeps coming up in different conversations and different contexts. You start to notice it and wonder why. Then you hear it more and think, there must be something to this. You hear it, use it, think about it, maybe it even starts to sound funny. Before you know it, you’re in the ‘word vortex’.

For the last few weeks, the word ‘essential’ has been showing for me. A lot. So I did what I do and I Googled it. Of course, I know what the word means but I wanted to explore whether there was more to notice. And, of course, I came away with questions.

According to Webster’s, ‘essential’ has three definitions. Loosely expressed, they are:

Necessary – basic or critical, indispensable

Inherent – the essence of something, belonging by nature or habit

Primary – existing in and of itself, with no obvious cause or precursor

Necessary. Needed. Critical. As the world has experienced the coronavirus pandemic, we have reshaped our definition of essential workers. Historically we thought of emergency services – police, fire fighters, electric utility restoration crews, emergency room personnel – and these people remain and always will be essential. But as the pandemic has caused countless businesses to shut down, we now have expanded our definition to include grocery store employees, delivery workers, all the people who ensure we can have the things we need without putting ourselves at personal risk. If you work in one of these jobs, being essential is a double edge sword. There is meaning to being needed; but having to leave home and go to work when others are being encouraged, sometimes required, to stay in place, can be a burden, especially when the rewards are meager.

What’s essential in your life – what are the things, and who are the people, that are indispensable?

Natural. Permanent. Essential as inherent can exist in both a scientific and a spiritual lens. There are elements of life in all its forms that are essential. There are certain elements that biology demands are essential to various forms of life – compounds without which that lifeform doesn’t exist. But the essence of something can also be a sense, a feeling, something hard to define yet very much felt. The soul.

What is your essence? What makes you, you?

Primary. Idiopathic. The definition of essential as primary is often used in medical terms – primary hypertension is high blood pressure that doesn’t have a known cause – it just is. Like a primary number can’t be broken down into smaller whole numbers, the hypertension itself is the thing.

If you were to view yourself as primary – not a product of your upbringing, surroundings, circumstances – what would be possible?

In contemplating these definitions, I think my awareness of the word “essential” incorporates all of them. I spent many years prioritizing my time and energy based on what others demanded of me. I did all the things I needed to do to be what I thought I was supposed to be. My focus now is on recognizing what is necessary for me, my family, those dear to me, and dialing down the volume on the things that other people tell me are important. I’m learning to understand who I am and what my purpose – my essence – really is. And I’m not spending time dissecting the things that brought me to where I am. While I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, I don’t need to know the “why”. I am quite happy being in the present, being my whole self.

I am essential. I am enough. And so are you.